Basically, there's something that I'd like to have automatically bound to a player, but I can't quite figure out how to do it. Any ideas?

If you give the object a worn attribute which is true, the player will be wearing it. However, this won't adjust the player's attributes, put (worn) beside the object in the inventory, or similar.

The easiest way if you want to do all those things is to put something in your start script like:

WearGarment (wizard hat)

(or whatever the name of the object is - note that as with most scripts this is the object's name rather than its alias)

Ohh thank you!